In Sessions

Schtuff

2006-06-21T11:31:00.000-06:00

hmmm, its been a while since I wrote anything and so I guess its time to do that.

So I am going to be moving to North Denver somewhere, somewhere near work. I am looking at houses and trying to find something to buy. I hate it. Its so hard because there are so many out there, none that are what I want, at least that I can afford. I have about 10 more lined up to see. I looked at 10 last night and didn't see any that I would want to buy.

I leave Friday for our surf trip in Cali. I CAN'T WAIT! I am gonna fly out and meet the guys in Vegas since they are leaving earlier than I can get away with. I'm not a big fan of Vegas, but it will be fun for a night. Then off to the beach. I used to love the beach as a kid. I don't think the beach in California is as nice as those in Hawaii, or at least as warm, so it won't be quite the same but thats fine, I'll be a thousand miles from work and having a great time. I have a case of Ale8(thanks Dusty;)) to drink while I watch the sunset after a day of surfing. That just sounds so nice. The background on my MSN messenger is a surfer watching the sunset. Thats gonna be me... well assuming I can even stand up on the board.

This weekend was really good. I went home for my parent's birthdays and fathers day. It was cool, got to hang out with the fam, including Aidan. That kid is so funny. Just watching him play is entertaining and I think I am his favorite. He kept saying "My Brent" and wouldn't go to anyone else. Now thats a good self esteem booster haha.

When I wasn't at home this weekend I was hanging out with Dusty. She's so fun, and cool, and I just had a great time getting to know her better. I can't wait to hang out with her more. She lives in Aurora though so its hard to get down to see her very often. Maybe it will be easier when I find a house down near work, I sure hope so!

Ummm, what else do I have to say.uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I think thats it.

2006-05-09T16:21:00.000-06:00

some days I just want to scream!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Headlines and such

2006-04-26T20:55:00.000-06:00

"Battle between grace and pride..."- Pride Wins Again

No quiero ir a clase porque no me gusta hablar en frente de los otros estudiantes.

Arrrrrrgggghhh Matey

Brent's Head>>>>adsfuohasdifhamsdopfhjadofyasdp,fjaklegapui
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mfklas dhgasdoijflk anert;alweijha dnvaoetraweirjhasdofnasdpo
adiofjadiofmaewkl rnqaewfghasjdignmawlektnmqaew foiawjg
aiowejrtaoipwgjnoasifdhjo piewqthjaiwrtnqap9ewjaiofgnmao
pewihtqoiewh tgoairwtgqawoet

Mama's Boy?

"The definition of love is in the cross, there is beauty, there is passion, there is pain"

"Somewhere over the rainbow"

The missing pursuit of the ultimate pump

hmm married huh?

Windows down, radio blasting, life is good

So if you haven't caught on, these are some of the random and mostly unimportant things that have crossed my mind or come in to my life recently. I am not gonna explain any of them though, but feel free to guess. haha.

Naked

2006-03-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

So I have been listening to the song in my last post all day long. I wonder what the record for most amount of time spent listening to the same song over and over is. It's gotta be a few days. Well thats not why I am writing this.

This song makes me think about my life and how far and how long I have been just getting by as a Christian. I've "been doing enough just to get, just to get by, thinking that you live the right life" as Pillar puts it. I go to church, I try avoid some of the things the world say are good, but not as much as I should. I do a pretty good job of putting on a good mask and making people think that I am living a good life.

Meanwhile, inside I am a mess. My heart is so hardened to the things of this world and I have become so apathetic to the things around me that I wonder if its even possible for me to love. Sin runs deep and no matter how hard I try to escape I just can't. On a daily basis I throw dirt in God's face, and blatently do what I know is wrong, and other times I do things and don't even think about it because I have become so desensitized to it. Basically, I have become everything that I never wanted to be. In mine, the darkest of hearts, you can find pretty much anything that the Bible says is wrong. Trust me, its in there.

So now what? I have basically told everyone that I am the worst kind of person and that everything that they see of me is nothing more than a facade. I am bearing my soul to the world and I have never been so scared in my life. I have always been the kind to wonder what people would think if they knew what went on inside of me. Now that they do, or they will if the end up reading this, I can't help but wonder how their perceptions will change. Oh well, thats not the point, I can't hold it in anymore.

So, here I am, as vulnerable as I have ever been and its time to do something about it. I love God, and it is only by his grace that I have a chance to change. The line from the song, "Despite the endless times I've failed for You, And the wooden cross I nailed You to, I just want You to know I meant every single word I said to You" stands out in my mind right now. I do love God and even though I am constantly disappointing him and breaking his heart, that won't change. I know that I have no possible way of changing any of this without him. What does the Brent that God desires look like? Whats the first step of getting to that person? I need a change. Something drastic, something monumental. I need to do a 180 and only He can help me with that. He is breaking me. He has plans for me. I have no idea what they are and right now I am scared beyond belief but I know that they are necessary. All I know is that he is going to have to do some house cleaning. That will be quite a chore... worse than cleaning my room. He is capable, He is amazing and thankfully He is willing.

Small to Say

2006-03-06T11:09:00.000-07:00

I just can't get this song out of my head... probably because I keep playing it over and over again...

Small To Say
Thousand Foot Krutch

Caressed by the wings You've given me
Beautifully delivered me
I tried so hard to keep looking at You to stand strong
Beneath the dirt I've thrown at You
The seeds You've sown have grown into
My bloodline and my veins will too

And I want You
And my trust has been so broken
I need You to step inside and feel the way I feel
And I want You
And my heart has been so broken
I need You to step inside and feel the way I feel

Despite the endless times I've failed for You
And the wooden cross I nailed You to
I just want You to know I meant every single word I said to You
I raise this cup I call my life I stand alone and hold it high
I won't spill cause I'll hold it tight

And I want You
And my trust has been so broken
I need You to step inside and feel the way I feel
And I want You
And my heart has been so broken
I need You to step inside and feel the way I feel

And I wonder how its going to come together
And don't look now but things are looking better
I wonder if you'll ever meet
This screaming boy inside of me
It's like an earthquake when I hold it in and hold it in again
I wonder if you'll ever see
All the things I wanna be
And there's so much more to me
Cause there's so much more to You
I wonder if you'll ever meet
This screaming boy inside of me
It's like an earthquake when I hold it in and hold it in again

And I want You And my trust has been so broken
I need You to step inside and feel the way
I feel And I want You And my heart has been so broken
I need You to step inside, step, step inside

So true...

2006-03-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

"Don't Trust that Girl"
-Ace Troubleshooter

You know that kind of girl that makes your heart beat all fast?
You know that kind of love that you know will last?
I knew that kind of girl, I knew that kind of love
But then she broke it off when I was so sure of her

Don't trust that girl
She's up to no good
She'll mess with you like no one should

Empty promises thrown into the wind
Mirage vanishes, never to see again
Hey fellas, be you ware, don't wanna end up like me
Another victim of her stupid female schemes

And so the time moves on with feelings come and gone
And Christ is the one constant I can lean on
So now I am left here feeling like a schmuck
With one thought on my mind: "She's no good!!"

Soul Juice

2006-02-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

Hmm, so its been over a month since I wrote anything here. I really can't say that I had any great revelations during that time so that is probably why I haven't written anything. Hmmm, lets see....

Chantel bought me some Ale 8 for my birthday. That stuff is oh so wonderful and when I drink it all my life seems to make sense... I am not drinking one right now so for now its back to nonsense. At any rate, Ale 8 is good for my soul and I love it.

So I was thinking of buying a place closer to work. I never realized how expensive houses are down there. There is no rush though. I'm enjoying living in the Fort with "The Family", besides, rumor has it Nikki is moving up here.

Ah, Nikki, how can I be so infatuated with someone I have never met in person. I am not sure what kind of powers are trying to keep us apart, but with her in the Fort, they are going to work much harder.

So I have been getting back in to the gym more lately. I love the way I feel after a good workout and I feel much more confident when I am a little bigger. Last time I was working out a lot Chantel said that I was getting TOO big. If you know me you know that what she thinks is important to me. I think she is one of the few people in my life that I really care what they think. Oh well, she hasn't said anything this time around and she's in Costa Rica for a month so she won't see me. Speaking of her being in Costa Rica, if think about it, pray for her. Its kinda dangerous down there and God is really working on her so she definately needs it.

I can't wait to get to Florida for my cruise. I have never been on one before so I am excited. It should be really fun. It's gonna be awesome. I can't wait to just kick back and relax.

wow, this blog is really lame. oh well, such is my life.

Something More

2006-01-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

So today was an interesting day that just left me in a whirlwind. It started off with church where Brad talked the parable of the talents, and how we need to use what he has given us. Apparently God is telling me that I have lots of gifts, talents whatever you want to call them, that I am not using. Jeff talked about the same passage a couple weeks ago and I felt the same way. So here is the problem.... I haven't the slightest idea what gifts or talents God has blessed me with. Nor do I have the slightest idea where or how he wants me to use them. So that left me with a lot of randomness in my head. Then this evening we had our first service for Flow. It was pretty cool and I am interested to see where things go. The best part for me was afterwards when I got to have a good conversation with Nichole. We talked about how we're both kind of feeling disatisfied with our direction in life and while our lives are good, we just don't feel like we're heading where God wants us to be. There is a feeling of confusion there and unrest and I am realizing that it is very common amongst people in our age group. On the way home Jeff and I talked about it and he suggested I not try and ignore that feeling or try and put it off but I pursue it now. I think he is right and he said the answer may not be what I want to hear but its where I need to be. That scares me. Hmm... there it is again. Fear holding me back. I can't let it.So here are the big questions in my life right now:

What has God given me and how can I use those gifts?
What am I passionate about?
What do I want to be doing with my life?
Where should I be going with my life?
Where AM I going with my life?

Wow this blog is really depressing and so I think I am going to put in a nice picture of what I wish I were doing while I ponder these questions.... On a beach much like this one, in a Hammock with an ice cold Ale8 in my hand... ahhhh now thats good for the soul.

Playing Along

2006-01-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

Four jobs you have had in your life:
Blockbuster Video
Papa John's Pizza Driver
RadioShack Nerd
Production Support Engineer

Four movies you would watch over and over:
Ten Things I Hate About You
Rush Hour
Mr. Deeds
Shanghai Noon

Four places you have lived:
Lewistown, Montana
Winchester, Kentucky
Waikoloa and Hilo, Hawaii
Littleton and Fort Collins, Colorado

Four TV shows you love to watch:
House
Friends
Seinfeld
Mythbusters

Four places you have been on vacation:
Florida
California
Arizona
Minnesota

Four websites I visit daily:
Hotmail.com
Myspace.com
Ebay.com
Craigslist.org

Four of my favorite foods:
Tuna Casserole
Thick, Juicy Steak
Burritos
Pasta

Four places I would rather be right now:
A nice beach
In bed
Seeing something new
Hanging with Aidan

So the way this works is I tag some fools and make them answer these fun get to know you questions, here go. I tag nikkifritz... shes the only other blogger I know.

Randomocity

2006-01-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

I really liked writing down a bunch of random thoughts last time so I think that i will do it again. Hmm lets see what comes out this time.

Last night we watched "Hotel Rwanda" and it was a really good movie, despite being very intense and somewhat disturbing. It makes me wonder what my reaction would be if I had seen these atrocities on the television. Would I have stood up and tried to do something? I would sure hope that I would, but would I feel so small and think that I could not make a difference? I hope that I never have to find that out.

Another thought that came to my mind was about what I want to be as a man. The main character had some traits that I certainly want to have. He was very brave, courageous, loved his family more than himself, and respectable in the eyes of those around him. I once read the book "Tender Warrior" and thought that that book describes what I want to be as a man and how I want to relate to my wife, my kids, and those around me. I guess what I am thinking is that I am still a man in progress and as I grow and develop into the man that I will become, these are some of the characteristics that I want to have.

Hmm so far this randomness isn't as fun as the last one....

So I am really getting excited about heading out to Cali with Jeff and Vince. We are gonna spend a week out there learning to surf. Its gonna be a great time just to hang out, have an awesome time. I have never surfed but I spent a lot of time body boarding as a kid in Hawaii. I love the ocean and can't wait to get back to it and enjoy sun, sand, and water.

I just remembered that I will get to enjoy the ocean sooner than that on the cruise that I am going on in March. I am getting pretty excited and nervous at the same time. I have never been on a big boat, especially one where I will have to dress up for dinner on.

Well I think thats about all I have this time. I hope to come up with a good not so random topic for my next one. We'll see how that works out.

Bleeding thoughts

2006-01-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

So I think I just want to write about stuff. I don't really have an agenda for this post, but I wanted to say something so here it is. Let's see... where to start....

So I think I want to be a samurai. I really like the movie "The Last Samurai" and something about that lifestyle appeals to me. Maybe its the simplicity, maybe its about living a life with honor and being willing to fight and die for something you believe in, or maybe its just that I could be awesome with a sword and wear cool armor, whatever it is I am convinced that it is the life for me.

I got the title of this post from a Switchfoot song. Its called 'Concrete Girl' and I don't really know what the song is about but this is the first line. Another line from that song says "Nothing to run from is worse than something, all your fears are nothing" I am not sure what that line means either, but it makes me think that my life is somewhat pointless as it stands right now. I am not doing much running of any sort and I feel like fear sometimes holds me back. Fear of change, fear of failure, fear of opening up... Maybe writing my thoughts down like this will help me to get past at least the last one and I won't be afraid to let others in to my life. I don't know why that is so hard for me but I think that it has something to do with not wanting others to think poorly of me because of certain things in my life. Thats rather ridiculous really because I really don't have much to hide but still it scares me. The other 2 fears up there and probably some other ones will have to be dealt with later, but I definately want to get past those also because they are definately keeping me from fulfilling my purpose in life.

Hmm purpose in life, I don't even want to go there.... I don't know what mine is but I know that I am not fulfilling it. I know God has something he wants from me but I have no idea what it is. I guess i just need to wait til he shows me what it is. I kinda hope its soon.

So we watched King Kong last night. It was a good movie but it left me wondering something. Do animals really notice beauty? At the end of the movie Jack Black says something like "Beauty killed the beast" When I look around and see the beauty of God's creation I am left in awe and looking at it reminds me that God is amazing and has awesome plans for me... then I go back to wondering what they are and I feel a bit of a void. I read this book called "The Sacred Romance" once and it perfectly described that feeling, I tried to reread it again to remind myself how it suggested obtaining that romance, but I only finished a few chapters. Story of my life.

Wow, that is quite the random rambling, as I reread it I am not even sure it makes sense. Oh well, it doesn't matter. I guess it kind of shows the kinds of things that continually run through my head. Pretty scary huh? Now you know, probably not a good idea to ask me what I am thinkin.

New beginnings

2006-01-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

Its a new year and its time to try something new. Jeff and Vince talked me in to giving "blogging" a try. At first I had my doubts that I could come up with anything worthwhile to say on here. Who knows, maybe I will come up with tons to say, I guess we'll find out. Something like this is totally against my nature. I have always been pretty introverted and tended to keep things bottled up inside. I guess thats kind of what happens when you're always the new kid. So anyways, I am excited to give this a shot and I welcome your comments, thoughts, and suggestions related to any of my ramblings.