Naked
So I have been listening to the song in my last post all day long. I wonder what the record for most amount of time spent listening to the same song over and over is. It's gotta be a few days. Well thats not why I am writing this.
This song makes me think about my life and how far and how long I have been just getting by as a Christian. I've "been doing enough just to get, just to get by, thinking that you live the right life" as Pillar puts it. I go to church, I try avoid some of the things the world say are good, but not as much as I should. I do a pretty good job of putting on a good mask and making people think that I am living a good life.
Meanwhile, inside I am a mess. My heart is so hardened to the things of this world and I have become so apathetic to the things around me that I wonder if its even possible for me to love. Sin runs deep and no matter how hard I try to escape I just can't. On a daily basis I throw dirt in God's face, and blatently do what I know is wrong, and other times I do things and don't even think about it because I have become so desensitized to it. Basically, I have become everything that I never wanted to be. In mine, the darkest of hearts, you can find pretty much anything that the Bible says is wrong. Trust me, its in there.
So now what? I have basically told everyone that I am the worst kind of person and that everything that they see of me is nothing more than a facade. I am bearing my soul to the world and I have never been so scared in my life. I have always been the kind to wonder what people would think if they knew what went on inside of me. Now that they do, or they will if the end up reading this, I can't help but wonder how their perceptions will change. Oh well, thats not the point, I can't hold it in anymore.
So, here I am, as vulnerable as I have ever been and its time to do something about it. I love God, and it is only by his grace that I have a chance to change. The line from the song, "Despite the endless times I've failed for You, And the wooden cross I nailed You to, I just want You to know I meant every single word I said to You" stands out in my mind right now. I do love God and even though I am constantly disappointing him and breaking his heart, that won't change. I know that I have no possible way of changing any of this without him. What does the Brent that God desires look like? Whats the first step of getting to that person? I need a change. Something drastic, something monumental. I need to do a 180 and only He can help me with that. He is breaking me. He has plans for me. I have no idea what they are and right now I am scared beyond belief but I know that they are necessary. All I know is that he is going to have to do some house cleaning. That will be quite a chore... worse than cleaning my room. He is capable, He is amazing and thankfully He is willing.
posted by Brent @ 8:46 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
brent, my heart hurts and also rejoices for you. it hurts because you're feeling all the pain of being a fallen creature, just as we all do. but it rejoices because your pain and fear have brought you to the place where you're crying out to God to change you and make you the man He wants you to be. even though that may be scary, it's an amazing place to be. God's gonna do some great things. know that i'm praying for you, my brother.
I think Derek Webb says it best when he says Christians today live in a state of fear of being found out. Sin in our life that we are ashamed of wears us down, spritually obviously but also every other way. For me I've always thought that transperancy would display my weakness, but in reality it takes a heck of a lot of courage and strength to be open, and man, God can really use that. So first of all, thanks for being bold, thats an encouragement to me, and secondly, I got your back. When we really know each other, we can really battle for eachother, and thats whats cool about being real.
Brent,
This is Jaclyn... "Dart Girl" friend of Vince. Anyway... thank you for your willingness to be so vulnerable. I enjoyed reading your post because it was real... and because I have been there. It seems like I am there all the time. :) You know what I "like" about times of sin crisis? It reminds me that I need a Savior. It reminds me that Christ died for ME to forgive me of all the horrible mistakes I make. One of the most awesome pieces of advice I have EVER recieved was..."Preach the gospel to yourself everyday."
Last night I read Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest" March 8 entry. It was like a knife in my heart. Here it is...
"I am crucified with Christ." Galatians 2:20
"No one is ever united with Jesus Christ until he is willing to relinquish not sin only, but his whole way of looking at things. To be born from above of the Spirit of God means that we must let go before we lay hold, and in the first stages it is the relinquishing of all pretence. What Our Lord wants us to present to Him is not goodness, nor honesty, nor endeavour, but real solid sin; that is all He can take from us. And what does He give in exchange for our sin? Real solid righteousness. But we must relinquish all pretence of being any thing, all claim of being worthy of God's consideration.
Then the Spirit of God will show us what further there is to relinquish. There will have to be the relinquishing of my claim to my right to myself in every phase. Am I willing to relinquish my hold on all I possess, my hold on my affections, and on everything, and to be identified with the death of Jesus Christ?
There is always a sharp painful disillusionment to go through before we do relinquish. When a man really sees himself as the Lord sees him, it is not the abominable sins of the flesh that shock him, but the awful nature of the pride of his own heart against Jesus Christ. When he sees himself in the light of the Lord, the shame and the horror and the desperate conviction come home.
If you are up against the question of relinquishing, go through the crisis, relinquish all, and God will make you fit for all that He requires of you."
You can read more of my thoughts on my blog... again, thanks for being open. Thank You, God, for grace and forgiveness!
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