Naked

So I have been listening to the song in my last post all day long. I wonder what the record for most amount of time spent listening to the same song over and over is. It's gotta be a few days. Well thats not why I am writing this.

This song makes me think about my life and how far and how long I have been just getting by as a Christian. I've "been doing enough just to get, just to get by, thinking that you live the right life" as Pillar puts it. I go to church, I try avoid some of the things the world say are good, but not as much as I should. I do a pretty good job of putting on a good mask and making people think that I am living a good life.

Meanwhile, inside I am a mess. My heart is so hardened to the things of this world and I have become so apathetic to the things around me that I wonder if its even possible for me to love. Sin runs deep and no matter how hard I try to escape I just can't. On a daily basis I throw dirt in God's face, and blatently do what I know is wrong, and other times I do things and don't even think about it because I have become so desensitized to it. Basically, I have become everything that I never wanted to be. In mine, the darkest of hearts, you can find pretty much anything that the Bible says is wrong. Trust me, its in there.

So now what? I have basically told everyone that I am the worst kind of person and that everything that they see of me is nothing more than a facade. I am bearing my soul to the world and I have never been so scared in my life. I have always been the kind to wonder what people would think if they knew what went on inside of me. Now that they do, or they will if the end up reading this, I can't help but wonder how their perceptions will change. Oh well, thats not the point, I can't hold it in anymore.

So, here I am, as vulnerable as I have ever been and its time to do something about it. I love God, and it is only by his grace that I have a chance to change. The line from the song, "Despite the endless times I've failed for You, And the wooden cross I nailed You to, I just want You to know I meant every single word I said to You" stands out in my mind right now. I do love God and even though I am constantly disappointing him and breaking his heart, that won't change. I know that I have no possible way of changing any of this without him. What does the Brent that God desires look like? Whats the first step of getting to that person? I need a change. Something drastic, something monumental. I need to do a 180 and only He can help me with that. He is breaking me. He has plans for me. I have no idea what they are and right now I am scared beyond belief but I know that they are necessary. All I know is that he is going to have to do some house cleaning. That will be quite a chore... worse than cleaning my room. He is capable, He is amazing and thankfully He is willing.

Small to Say

I just can't get this song out of my head... probably because I keep playing it over and over again...


Small To Say
Thousand Foot Krutch

Caressed by the wings You've given me
Beautifully delivered me
I tried so hard to keep looking at You to stand strong
Beneath the dirt I've thrown at You
The seeds You've sown have grown into
My bloodline and my veins will too

And I want You
And my trust has been so broken
I need You to step inside and feel the way I feel
And I want You
And my heart has been so broken
I need You to step inside and feel the way I feel

Despite the endless times I've failed for You
And the wooden cross I nailed You to
I just want You to know I meant every single word I said to You
I raise this cup I call my life I stand alone and hold it high
I won't spill cause I'll hold it tight

And I want You
And my trust has been so broken
I need You to step inside and feel the way I feel
And I want You
And my heart has been so broken
I need You to step inside and feel the way I feel

And I wonder how its going to come together
And don't look now but things are looking better
I wonder if you'll ever meet
This screaming boy inside of me
It's like an earthquake when I hold it in and hold it in again
I wonder if you'll ever see
All the things I wanna be
And there's so much more to me
Cause there's so much more to You
I wonder if you'll ever meet
This screaming boy inside of me
It's like an earthquake when I hold it in and hold it in again

And I want You And my trust has been so broken
I need You to step inside and feel the way
I feel And I want You And my heart has been so broken
I need You to step inside, step, step inside

So true...

"Don't Trust that Girl"
-Ace Troubleshooter

You know that kind of girl that makes your heart beat all fast?
You know that kind of love that you know will last?
I knew that kind of girl, I knew that kind of love
But then she broke it off when I was so sure of her

Don't trust that girl
She's up to no good
She'll mess with you like no one should

Empty promises thrown into the wind
Mirage vanishes, never to see again
Hey fellas, be you ware, don't wanna end up like me
Another victim of her stupid female schemes

And so the time moves on with feelings come and gone
And Christ is the one constant I can lean on
So now I am left here feeling like a schmuck
With one thought on my mind: "She's no good!!"